But Then Again

You came into my dream.

I was happy to see you again. You looked the same, exactly the same like the last time I saw you 5 years ago. I wanted to reach you, but I couldn't. It seemed like there was a distance between us that I couldn't bridge. But I wasn't mad. I didn't cry. I didn't fret. I was happy. Dancing-on-air happy. And that was all I ever wanted. I didn't mind the distance I couldn't cross. It wasn't necessary for me to touch you. Neither was it to be close to you. In this short time, we were in so many places, the places we had ever been before. Places we didn't plan to see each other. Those were the places where you and I had to be. After a moment, one place would resolve and next thing I knew, we were already in another place, but the distance would always be there. You hadn't really changed. You were still the one I used to know . That smile. Those amazing eyes you used to hide away whenever I leveled my gaze to you. You were still less talkative, but effortlessly attractive.

I was genuinely happy to see you again that I couldn't hold back my tears. So I let them fall. Then you extended both of your hands to me, as if you wanted to hold mine. I tried to move forward, but I couldn't. I tried to run towards you, but I couldn't. I felt helpless. I fell on the ground. When I finally about to give up, I suddenly realized I could move now. I wasn't paralyzed anymore. I got back on my feet and I ran towards you. I ran. I just ran. You were there, standing. I ran even faster. And I reached there. Just when I was about to hold your hand, you disappeared.

And I woke up, with tears streaming down my face.

Just now, in my short nap, you came again. It's just there was nothing rooted me to the ground. There was no invisible distance restraining my movement. I could just be close to you.

But I chose not to.

I ran away whenever you came near me. It was hard, to do something against what my heart desired. So I just ran from you. It was hard. It was really painful. Every step I made to evade you, only killed me deeper inside. But I knew, being close to you would hurt you, instead. It would hurt and kill you inside. I didn't want to see you in pain. I wanted you to be smiling, always. Most above all, I wanted you to forget me, and just live your life without me. I wanted you to consider me just a small insignificant fragment in your dream, and once you wake up, you would forget everything about me, together with all those painful memories about me.

So I ran. I wanted to be with you. I ran. I wanted to be near to you. I ran even further. I missed you so much. I ran. I ran. I just ran against my will.

And I woke up, only to realize that I was actually, really crying.