I have two papers to go. Actually, I have not even sat one. So yes, my first paper is on next Tuesday. But instead of preparing for my exams, I have been having this strong inclination to write lately. So many things have been happening for the past few days. So many things that still make me think, ponder, reminisce and re-evaluate.

The only thing that keeps me afloat is knowing that I am now more comfortable writing in English rather than Malay and no, I am not acting superior or feeling "Mat Salleh". It's just I think English is a very direct language. In order for me to reach place B, I don't have to go to A- or A+. Just straight from A to B. And I also look at it from the bright sight, that I am going to be an English teacher, and it is important for me to feel comfortable and confident with the language I use. I know many would go gaga with this statement, but if there's something I have learned from this life, it is the fact that you can never please each and everyone around you.

I still am a Malay boy with thick Sabahan accent. Inside out. Period.

Life is so unpredictable. When you think that everything is in perfect order, and your life is coming together, then in a split second, click! Your world is uprooted upside down, the ground that once was so solid is now so wobbly and you just can't stand straight, and with another click! - everything is falling apart.

When I feel this way, I would quickly switch on my laptop, and start writing. Writing everything that crosses my mind. I never thought that writing could be a therapy but yes, it does heal the uneasiness you feel. As if you suck the negativity out from your body through your fingers and let it scatter around the keyboard. But I know, I have to keep it real. I have to face the issue and no, it won't go away just because I let it spill on my keyboard.

Yesterday, I had a long and heavy YM conversation with a dear friend of mine. It was perhaps, the most substantial and revealing conversation ever between us. When the conversation ended, we said a cool good night to one another and I switched off my laptop. But I couldn't sleep. Something kept nagging at the back of my head and right now, while writing this, these crucial questions pop up into my mind:

Would you hold on to memories that are sweet and bitter at the same time? Or would you just let go and move on? What if by holding on to the memories, you are going to hurt yourself even more, but for some reasons you can't explain, you are painfully happy holding on to these memories? And would you give them up, while knowing that they are the forces that keep you going every day?

I hate to say this, but I have no answers to these.
I have no fucking answers to these questions.
No bloody answers.

One day, in my literature class, we asked a question to this particular professor and he said "you know what, I don't know. I don't have answer to that question", then he proceeded "Isn't that good hearing "I don't know" coming out from your teacher's mouth?"

Now I know, it does feel good because I can't possibly have the answer to everything. I am just an ordinary human being complete with ugly flaws. I have no answers why I am still holding on to these memories that anyone would have long given up, particularly when they know the other person is leading a happy life now, without these memories. Maybe it's true what that wise professor of mine once said:

The most important part of memory is forgetting.

But as for now, I am happy holding on to these memories.
With every day that passes by, they cut me so much deeper, but I am painfully happy.
And I am not ready to give them up, just yet.

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Azie Nazri said...

Writing has always been a great friend of mine. Always making me feel better. But at the end of the day, humans like us still need people. People who actually own souls. To not only let us share everything but to also be there and perhaps just do a simple nod. Just knowing that someone's listening. Thats sometimes the biggest relief. Kan? :)

p/s: I've always liked the way you write.

Aziz said...

It's so very true, Azie. Writing has been a fine way to sort out my fucked up little mind. Sorry about my language =) But yes,we can't run away to have authentic conversation among humans. And this was the very reason why Socrates refused to write down his thoughts. He believed that humans have to meet eye to eye and discuss.But of course, blogging is a fine way to share our thoughts to everyone.

p/s: I'm saying this not to try to be modest, but I love your writing just the same! You have always written something meaningful and substantial, not silly little crap. =)