But Then Again

When I first knew that I had been accepted to UiTM few years ago, I had this mixed feeling.

I was happy and unhappy at the same time.

I was going to be part of this 'university clan' and that was a happy thought. Yet, I knew I had to leave home behind and that wasn't a happy thought. But I persuaded myself that it was going to be okay. It was time to grow up and stand on my own short feet. So I braced myself and told my mum "Let's go!" and she packed everything up and off we flew to this foreign land.

I was a lot mature lad with a metal heart, all set to face this huge world. Nothing was going to stop me. I was a lot stronger with much stellar will. I was determined. Come what may.

So you can imagine how shocked my mum was when I told her that I wanted to go back to Sabah few hours before my registration day. I literally stamped my feet.

I told her that I wasn't ready to be all alone. I wanted to be near to my mum and dad. My sister, brothers, little sisters and bros. So I asked my mum if it was possible for us to just treat it like a sweet little vacation, take a cab to the airport, purchase two tickets and just happily head home. I told my mum that I would happily help her out with our family business and going to college was a nice thought but not necessary. I had seen a lot of people who didn't go to college. Last time I checked on them, they were gleefully alive.

Upon hearing this, my mum wept.

She said it was nice and very thoughtful of me to even think of staying together with my family. Helping mum and dad running their business would be a huge relief, but it wasn't an option, she said. My mum said she always knew that I had a dream and she never doubted that I would get there, achieving this dream one fine day.

And going to college would be the first step in this long journey.

So the next day, my mum sent me to Jengka for enrollment. I tried hard not to cry. At least, not until my mum had headed home. I forged this huge happy smile on my face and I waved vigorously as I saw the taxi carrying my mum sped away, getting smaller and smaller as I locked my gaze upon it, still smiling semi-happily, before it finally disappeared.

Then I burst into tears.

Now, four years have passed. How time flies. But I presume I still have not been any closer to plausible maturity and self-dependence. Last time I claimed myself that I was, it didn't turn out true at all. So it's not worth claiming so now. Who am I kidding anyway? I still whine to my mum over the phone. Me being financially-challenged. Malnutrition. Down with flu and workloads. I purposely call her a little too often just to hear her voice and get her annoyed for having little time to miss me before I make another call.

Truth be told, I do all these things just to let her know that she is still the queen of my heart and nobody will ever unseat her. She is still the only woman I worship, and she will always be. Gravity might have pulled me down and held me firm from being freely afloat and carefree. My bones might have grown longer and bigger. I might have grown so much older.

But I always, always want to be a child in her eyes.