Holding On

Dear Aziz,
Why do you have to do this to yourself, Ziz?

People put their past behind and move forward. People don't keep turning back. People look ahead. People go on living. You have been this way for almost 6 years now. 6 fucking years. 6 goddamn years. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Don't dwell on it.

Let it go, Ziz.
Learn to let it go.

If you don't care about yourself, pity me. Pity your heart, Ziz. For how long you want to keep holding on to something you never had and will never have? Get real. Look around. Open your heart for other people. Open your heart for those who give a shit about you. Don't just let yourself be this way. See what life has got to offer. You deserve to be happy, too.

Maybe it's time to move on, Ziz.
Maybe it's time to get over it and let go. Open your heart for others.


Dear heart,
I wish it was that easy.
I wish it was that easy to write off someone whom you have loved for years just like that.

What makes you think I am happier living a life this way?
Get stuck with this surreal feeling for years? Like an idiot?
I've tried to let go. I've persuaded myself to just move on and never look back.

But what do I do when I wake up every single day and it is that name that comes into my mind? What do I do when I wake up in the middle of the night, and all the memories just come back and haunt me? What do I do when I sleep, it is the good old days that I dream about? What do I do when I just can't let it go no matter what I do? What do I do when I just can't open my heart to anyone else just yet because I've never felt empty inside me? What do I do when the memories keep me afloat and happy? What do I do when the memories give me strength to go on living every single day? What do I do when I am hurt, yet I am happy this way? What do I do when the memories are the reasons for everything that I do?

Tell me what the hell should I do to just erase it and get going?

It might be easy for you. It might be easy for you to just walk away from the memories. It might be easy for you to put everything behind. Maybe for you, moving on is just a matter of saying it out loud. Maybe for you, letting go is just a matter of shrugging your shoulder. Maybe for you, everything can be swiftly erased in just a blink of an eyes. Maybe you think I am an idiot for still holding on to something surreal for all these years. Have it your way. Say what you need to say. It might be easy for you.

But I don't fall in love every day.

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acad said...

dear heart,
I gotta agree with aziz.Letting go is one of the most difficult things to do even if you are one strong will of a person. Memories, they just don't get erased within a night. And when they do come haunting your sleep, you can't help but dwell in them because they make you happy in a way or another.
But aziz, letting go needs time and serious devotion. I may not know your past experiences but I've walked in your shoes. But I managed, managed to let go of everything that once makes me happy and joyous.
So whatever it is, asks Shakespeare.



Aziz said...

How did you do that, Acad?
Letting of everything that once made you happy and joyous? I'd love to do the same, for this feeling is killing me every single day :(

Yes, I am happy, happy relishing the memories, but I've got to wake up one day and finally let it go. I know I can't forever live in this surreal feeling.

Fuck. This hurts.

acad said...

well it kinda took me two years. One morning, i woke up and out of the blue, i decided to let go of everything. I have grown tired of wasting my tears for something that was beyond my hand to reach. it hit me hard that my heart could no longer endure all the aches and sufferings and I had to give it a sympathy. There was one point I could no longer feel any feelings in my heart, it had been badly bruised to an extent that i felt lifeless. I couldn't feel any feelings or emotions. I have believed that my heart had died at some point. I died of heartache. That was the point when it hit me hard. You gotta love yourself first in order to love someone. I needed a new strength, a new replenished me. And that morning, I let go of everything. I burnt*literally* all the photos I kept and when you do that but you feel at ease, like a huge burden has been lifted up from your shoulder, and you feel nothing looking at the burning memories, it shows that you have moved on. haha I know I'm a tad dramatic but it paid me very well. I learnt the hard way but I'm glad I let go. Determination is essential but don;t force yourself, it takes time and strong will. You can do this aziz! it's like answering Shakespeare's questions.

Aziz said...

This is soothing and lifting, Acad.
God knows how much it means to me. I have loved the memories, but I know I've got to open my heart. Pour out the long-kept love inside that I have savored only for this one person and let others in. Let others make a point to prove that they are for real. Not just memories.

I know those feelings, Acad. And for you to just walk away from everything that once was the reason for you to keep go on living every single day is just amazing and admirable. I know you are strong at heart.

About the burning of the pictures, I used to do that! It's just I didn't burn. I devoured it with scissors until I couldn't see the face anymore. I wept when I was doing that, but I pitied my heart.

I pitied my heart above all.