Remembering You

/
4 Comments
Back in 2004, I was crying like a child after losing a state-level debate competition when a senior of mine, who was also my mentor in debate walked up to me and said this:

"You are so used to winnings until you cannot embrace defeats gracefully."

At that time, I didn't bother to further digest these words, for I was so determined to assault revenge, which I did the following year, my final year in school. My debate team clinched the State Level Championship in 2005, and we were the runner-up for Borneo Zone Championship in the same year. Ever since, I had tasted so many winnings and I had temporarily forgotten that I had fallen before.

Just like today.

I cannot recall the last time I answered Literature paper so fucked-uply. So, I suppose I made history today. Hooray! The previous night, I didn't sleep at all. I wanted to nail this paper so badly, particularly when I knew I had a good accumulated mark for my on-going assessment. I kept re-reading the novels, all the short stories, memorizing every line and understanding all characters dearly in my heart.

But then again, human proposes, God disposes.

When the exam invigilator told us to put our pens down, I was still writing. I did not want to hand in such atrocious responses just yet. I wanted to make it right, to get everything properly answered. It's not as if I did not know the answer. I knew everything. I had read them before. I was even able to come up with exact quotation from the original texts. Maybe I was too perfectionist. Maybe I was wasting so much time outlining my answers.

But three hours was definitely not sufficient to answer so many things. I wish I could put whoever that constructed the question in my shoes and see how he/she would fair. That was just too ridiculous.

So I suppose I have just successfully let my mum and dad down. How do I look at them this holiday, knowing that I didn't give my best in my final paper? And how do I look at Mr. Kieran after this, with all those horribly justified responses I gave him?

But that did not justify my cold attitude towards my friends today during lunch after the exam. I honestly think I was behaving so immaturely. As if I was the only person that was having a hard time. I pretended like I didn't hear what they were talking about. I pretended as if I was enjoying my meal and couldn't be bothered to say a word. Worst of all, I pretended like they were not around, and therefore I evaded their gaze.

The truth is, I couldn't see them straight in the eyes while crying. Now, after a good five years, I remember once again how it feels to fall down and succumb to defeat.





You may also like

4 comments:

Fits said...

aku lagi la tak bole jwb exam td!! wa!!

Aziz said...

sama la, fitri...
mcm siot...
3 jam x cukup dowh....

qieynah said...

3 hours is not enough for the total of 6 pages of essays! plus analyzing the poems!

Aziz said...

tu la pasal,kinah...
sapa buat question paper tu?
suruh dia dok kat situ 3 jam dan jawab suma benda tu...
mcm siot.......
geram aku......!!!!