Unspoken Rule

My first phone was stolen when I was 17. I was in my final year at school, when one day I woke up and realized that the phone which I had kept in my pencil case the night before, was gone. It was Saturday, our outing day. But when the news broke out, nobody was allowed to go out. The whole boys dormitory was alerted to search for my lost phone. A few hours later, my lost phone was retrieved, and the culprit was my junior, who had been very close to me. I would have never suspected him, because he had been very kind to me. Thus when my flared-up-and-ready-to-punch seniors asked me what to do with the poor, terrified boy, I told them to let him go.

They beat him up, and I could hear him screaming in severe pain a few rooms away from my dormitory.
I stuffed my ears to block out his cries.

You see, I hate conflicts. I hate getting into fights. I hate pulling faces for silly reasons. I'd rather let go and make things go back to the way they were. Because I know a little too well that, once we are trapped in conflicts, things would never be the same. That was what happened after the stealing. My junior wouldn't look me in the eyes no matter what I did to tell him that I didn't hold anything against him, that I had long since forgiven him. That's what conflicts do to humans. They tear us apart. They damage the bonds.

And the damage is much worse when those involved in the conflict used to be friends.

I know I might have not been the best person out there to become a friend. At times, I can be self-righteous. I can be a complete pain in the arse and a total asshole. I've got a jinxed tongue, and I often annoy people with it. 

But when my friends cry, I'll try to sweep the tears even though I know I can never truly feel the pain. When my friends are in need, I'll try to offer anything in my capacity to lessen the grief. When my friends need me to be by their side, I'll try the hardest to be there and let them know that I'll always be there through the goods and the bads. Because I know, sooner or later, the dark clouds would be above my head too, if not today.

Friendship, like anything good and important, is not easy. It's hard to get a friend you can easily call 'a friend', and it's harder to maintain a friendship once it has been established. Like a flower, it has to be watered for it to blossom. That's why, no matter how occupied I might be, I feel obliged to spare a few minutes with my friends. People with the most fundamental common sense would tell you that it's an unspoken rule in friendship.

And spending time with friends does not require 100 bucks. You can just sit with a bunch of friends at mamak stall, grab a glass of hot coffee and chat away. You can share how bad the day has been, or the boring lectures or even the hot gossip circling around. And the fact that we are all given 24 hours a day makes us all equal. Of course, things happen along the way but it isn't an excuse for not being able to be there for your friends all the time.

And we are all normal human beings. After being turned down a little too frequent, a time will come when you tell to yourself "that's it". What is the point of keep offering when you have been turned down so many times to the point that you can't even remember the last time you were together? Can't even remember the last meal you had together? And worse, you can't even remember the last effort you friend made to spare time for you? And the words of endearment that are supposed to represent close bonds are now just empty words.

It makes you sick. It makes you sick to the pit of your stomach you feel like vomiting. And it makes you sad knowing that you used to be very close. The laugher you used to share is now a passing familiarity. It's slowly dying. And the worst thing that can happen between two friends is when one day you see your friend and this thought creeps into your mind and you say -

"God. I don't know you anymore".

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Ibrahim Ismail said...

I feel you. Now I think it's best to avoid conflicts, and people who always create one.

Aziz said...

It's sad.
But I believe it's still not beyond repair.