Of Woes and Wishes

There are times when I wish I could just remain a kid.
Justify Full
Without responsibilities.

Because once we have grown up, it's hard to be ignorant, though you would love to. You know the reason why your parents are jumping on each other's throat, and when they are faking the smiles as if everything's good and in complete control. You start noticing what's going on in your home and you wish you could do something. You wish you had magical mojo to make things good in just the nick of time. You wish you could get everything fixed and back to they way it used to be. You wish you could protect the ones you love every waking moment, and to make them happy all the time.

Nevertheless, deep down you know you are no superman - and yet being an ignorant isn't an option either.

Looking at mum and dad, sometimes I wish I could just stay here, and spend the rest of my life with them, instead of continuing my studies. There are times I feel it really isn't fair when I am happily pursuing my dreams while they are slaving themselves away round the clock. I remember that day when I got straight As in semester 4, my mum just couldn't hold back her tears and said to me that "all the pain that I went through doesn't matter anymore".

And I know for a fact that my eldest sister wishes to see me accomplish what she could have accomplished herself, had it not been some inevitable hitch that my family was facing during her younger days. Now every time I look at her, I can't help it but to wonder what she could have become had she been allowed to pursue her dreams as well. Sometimes, I will just sit next to her and tell her my life as a varsity student, while she pampers her daughter on her lap. She will beam to my excitement and nod in agreement. Sometimes I notice the twinkle in her eyes, indicating her very own hope and dream, while most of the time all I painfully notice is the look of submission and accepting the the fate that has been written for her.

Despite all the things that I have accomplished thus far, never even for a second I ever feel that I have done anything of gallant measure and significance as what she has sacrificed for me and my other siblings, and most importantly - for my mum and dad.

Brought up in an environment where we are not used to practicing open affection, and being an introverted lad that I am, I have never really let them know what I feel inside - but in my every prayer, I will just humbly ask from God to let me live long enough to repay everything that my parents and my sis have ever sacrificed for me and to make them happy till the day I die.

Even if I am no superman and never will be.

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Anonymous said...

inspiring entry

Aziz said...

Thank you, anonymous =)