Dirty Little Secret


Promise me you will not tell anyone about this, okay?

Oh, it's just a silly thing, really. It's about this thing I've been keeping all inside since I was a small kid. Actually, when I was around 8 years old or so, I was once thinking of running away from home because I thought I was a little unwanted infant that my parents might have found inside a dustbin one fateful day. I got this idea judging from the way my mum and dad treated me. My mum was always giving me that you-stupid-dustbin-founded-child kind of look every time I got into trouble and mischief. I barely remember anything nice that she might have said when I was small but I can recall one time I got bad results in school and she said "oh, look at that's son and this's daughter, how well they have done in school. You?". I didn't say a word in defense. I knew it was a losing battle after all. So, I kept silent and she continued nagging me under the sun.

My dad did more or less the same. I was never too good for him. Every thing I did seemed wrong in his eyes. My dad isn't a man who would quickly resort to sticks and cane, so he did nothing of that sort when I was a kid. But, his words did much severe damage that a stick could do. It could also be that I was a bit talkative because I remember one day he said to me "You know a little too much!". This Dustbin Theory was further strengthened by the annoying and irritating act of my elder sister and brothers. Whenever I attempted to join in their conversation, they would immediately stop talking, giving the eyes, and I would soon crying and feeling deeply hurt and unwanted.

So one day, around twilight, I went to my room that I shared with my brothers and chose my favorite shirts and pants, put them in my school bag and walked out of the door. I felt so sad, but determined all the same. I knew that I didn't belong in the family (because of that dustbin fantasy) and I thought I was doing my adopted family a favor by going away.

With heavily bandaged heart, I slowly walked down the stairs and was ready heading into the darkness to wherever I was supposed to be (I didn't know where my real family was staying). Suddenly, from the darkness, I saw two figures walking exactly towards my direction. I studied their faces very carefully and shit! Those were my mum and dad! I forgot it was exactly the usual time they got home from market, so I was desperate to look for a hiding place. Next thing I knew, I was already beneath the stairs, both hands hugging my knees, shivering. But I could still google mum and dad from the little space between the flights of stairs. With every step, they got nearer to my lookout. But I was positive they wouldn't catch me hiding. And that was the moment my mum bent forward 90 degree, eyes fixed on me and said "What the hell are you doing down there at this hour? Wash your feet and go upstairs!"

So much for running away.

So you can imagine how odd it feels when mum and dad start showing their love overtly to me now that I have all grown up (after a process of elimination, I came to a conclusion that I wasn't picked up from rubbish bin). When I went to Kota Kinabalu to pursue my upper secondary years, my mum cried so hard I had to console her and told her it was going to be okay, while my dad looked away, probably hiding his tears. Then again, when my mum was about to go back to Sabah after sending me all the way to Jengka, she wept and cuddled me so ever tightly.

Now, at certain level, I have to stop my dad from proudly introducing me to his fellas. He would normally go and start giving out too much information about where I study and how well I have done. It just feels so very awkward, but I feel happy all the same. Happy that I finally have become a son that they can cockily admit having. Last semester, when I told my mum that I got straight As, she looked at me straight in the eyes, and tears began streaming down her face. It was definitely one of the happiest days in my life.

Now that I'm home, and I look at how my mum and dad treat my younger brothers and sisters, I can't help but to chuckle. It is exactly how I had been raised when I was at their age. Now I realize it's just the way my parents choose to raise all of us.

And the best part?
It's my turn to be the annoying and irritating elder brother. =)

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anis yew said...


Azie Nazri said...

Dustbin Theory?? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Believe it or not Aziz, I used to have the same feeling. Except the dustbin part. :P My theory could perhaps be called 'Not-Enough-Baby-Pictures Theory'.

But yea, they eventually prove to be so wrong as we grow older. I so understand the boasting part. Hahaha my parents would be so proud of simple things I accomplished that it would make me cry.

Aziz said...

anis yew: I didn't know you read my blog! That's very sweet of you! :p

azie: 'Not-Enough-Baby-Pictures Theory'? You mean, you don't have enough pictures taken when you were a baby? Hahahaha.

Guess what?
As far as I'm concerned, I only have ONE picture of me while i was a baby, and even that one i don't know where the pic is right now.

Childhood is both so much fun and full of absurdity, isn't it? :p